Things I have learned from Marigold, my blind rescue dog, a black and tan coonhound.
—There is no higher pleasure than food.
—Except licking yourself. That’s a pretty great thing.
—But still, food is better.
—Especially cheese.
—If you are lucky enough in this life to find one person to love you, you are lucky enough.
—Smartphones are purely a distraction. They do little that is beneficial. All they do is take humans away from important tasks, such as petting their blind rescue dogs and rubbing their blind rescue dogs’ bellies.
—The vacuum is the invention of Satan.
—The most fabulous fragrance you can wear is poop. Try rolling around in it sometime.
—If you can’t find any poop, consider a dead squirrel carcass.
—Do not ever miss out on a chance for love.
—The joy of simply going on a walk cannot be measured.
—If you hear a crinkling plastic bag, follow it.
—Do not trust people who aren’t dog people.
—Kids are the best kind of humans.
—If someone is extra gentle when petting the fur between your eyes, they are an extra gentle person.
—If someone is not good to animals, they are not good.
—Just because someone beat you so hard that you lost your vision doesn’t mean you can’t see.
—Dogs don’t have to try to believe in God. God already believes in them.
—If your owner leaves his beer unattended during a televised baseball game, it’s technically yours.
—Hey. Beer is pretty good.
—It only takes one Pabst Blue Ribbon to make a 60-pound blind rescue dog completely and totally inebriated.
—When you are an inebriated dog, you do not want to walk down a flight of stairs, this is a very bad decision.
—So is trying to use the doggy door.
—Life is too short to sleep alone.
—Humans should quit checking their phones so often. It’s not real life.
—Reading glasses taste good.
—Also, snotty Kleenexes.
—Lettuce is not an acceptable treat.
—The UPS man does not belong on our porch. He must be stopped. This is why dogs were created.
—No, I do not know who turned over the trash can while you were away, and rooted through the garbage. There must have been an intruder while I was sleeping.
—When your human leaves the house, it’s a bleak day indeed. A day filled with sorrow and loathing.
—When your human comes back, it’s exactly like being born again.
—Don’t trust just anyone right away. Let them earn it. This is not wrong.
—Nobody, and I mean nobody, was designed to go Number Two while attached to a leash.
—What is this word “tomorrow?” And why are we worrying about it again?
—Toilet water just tastes better. Try it.
—Being noticed is the highest form of love there is.
—A bad childhood doesn’t mean you have to have a bad life.
—Do not ever trust a human who says he’s going to take you to the vet to “get tutored.”
—When you are loved, there is nothing left for you to achieve. Love is better than everything else.
—Hey, buddy. You’d lick yourself, too, if you could.
